Another subject down at uni, only one more to go (assuming all goes well). My team we’re a little slower than I’d hoped on actually doing anything, but alas, that is uni group work for you. I will give it to one of my group members though, after all of my attempts to get things moving he actually started getting in on the work, which was nice. It took him a little effort to get into the swing of django, but once he did things were moving. The other guys took a little longer, and waited until close to the deadline and decided that crunching was how they wanted to do it. But none of what they needed to get done was my responsibility, and the other guy working backend with me understood that I’d done a lot of work already and didn’t mind that I actually wanted to sleep the week the project was due. Which I actually really appreciated (him appreciating me, that is).
Which brings me to my next point, and a note of personal growth for any employers (not) reading this and dismaying at my grievances. The book I’ve been reading did a pretty good job of calling me out on something which I hadn’t really noticed up until now. I realised that I was resenting my group members, not only because of the lack of effort on their part, but also because the (unappreciated) effort I had gone to was begrudging (due to the lack of aforementioned input). The reason it was begrudging was because I had (rightly, in my opinion) expected my group members to contribute to the group project, an expectation that had no been met. I felt (and still do) that that expectation was a fair boundary to our working together. A boundary that had been crossed, but that had not been enforced.
Well, to be fair, I did all I could to affect the change required, short of not working with them, or going above their heads. But either way, my boundary had been crossed, and I resented that I had to do all the work. And in doing all of the work I hadn’t enforced the boundary, hence the resentment. But to top it all off, I was feeling self-righteous and judgmental about how they didn’t even appreciate how much I had contributed (above and beyond what I needed to).
Now, the way the end of the semester went was that I didn’t put in what I could have, and certainly didn’t crunch (another boundary of mine, unless absolutely and unavoidably necessary, and actual work is very different than a uni project with people who aren’t pulling their weight), because I’d already done my share of the work (and I had some mad food poisoning and was in hospital for a couple of days). I still think that was fair, and in the same situation I’d probably work it similarly (on the outside). But I felt stressed, and resentful and unappreciated, and tired.
But, now I understand why, and the importance of setting and maintaining clear boundaries (because I don’t work at my best when I’m mad and don’t want to, but *have* to). And so, if things played out the same way. I’d still do everything I could, and do my best work, but just my work. I wouldn’t take responsibility for their work, and I’d stick to my boundary of expecting them to contribute to the group work, and working over the semester so things could be finished before the night of. And if they couldn’t meet that (very fair) expectation, even after some discussion, planning and leadership by example, then it’d be time to move on, and either leave it and hope it works out with a passing grade, or having a talk with the tutor about other options. But either way, with less stress and resentment.
I’d never understood the relationship between compassion and boundaries until now. You can only do so much that you can handle, because if you go further it won’t be helping anyone, and you’ll just end up miserable. Or as I’ve heard it put, don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. (Because you’ll just be enabling them, and they won’t even appreciate it. And you’ll be dead. That too.)
Well, looks like I didn’t to the OSCP stuff (which was yesterday). I’ll have to keep all (none) of you waiting for now.
My Portfolio 